Finding Forgiveness

Recently, I’ve been going through some pretty crazy stuff. I never realized until now how truly difficult relationships could be. I had grown up believing the fairytale that you meet your prince charming, get married, and live happily ever after.

This is not true.

The reason this kind of relationship is a fantasy is that we are all human. And if we plan on dating another human being, hopefully that’s the kind of relationship you’re looking for, we should know that people make mistakes. People will always fail you no matter what.

Now you may be thinking I’m about to write a post about how hurt I was from a boy and how I came to forgive him. But this is not the case. This is actually the story of how I myself messed up, and how I’ve coped with the decisions I made.

A month or two ago, I met a boy. I met this boy through a ministry opportunity that we were both interested in. We began preparing ourselves, along with a couple of other people, to lead worship at a small church in our area. After our first rehearsal, when we were the only two people left in the room, we started to talk. And I started to make a friend. Later that night he invited me out to go get dinner with him and some other friends. This was the first time since starting college that I had been included in a group. And I loved it.

At the time, I had a boyfriend. But he and I had some issues that we simply could not work through. So, we decided to end the relationship. And this other boy, my friend, was there. It didn’t take us long after meeting to become very close. And then we spent an amazing few hours on a mountain, staring at the sky and telling each other every single detail about our life stories and the things we had gone through. We connected.

After that night, we were inseparable. A week later, we were dating. Life was going well. We cared so deeply for each other. It was the closest relationship I had ever been in.

The End.

Just kidding.

I dearly wish that could be the end of the story. But, unfortunately, it is not.

As we progress in the story, we come to fall break, a five day weekend off from classes. A couple of my friends and I went to one of their houses, while my boyfriend went home to see his family. On this trip, I made the biggest mistake of my entire life.

I cheated on my boyfriend.

When I say that, most people assume I’m talking about sex. Let me make it painfully clear that sex did not happen, nor did we come anywhere near it. It was just a kiss. But I knew, as soon as it happened, that I had made a drastic, horrendous mistake.

Over the rest of the weekend, I struggled with whether or not to tell him. I knew it was the right thing to do, but I also was incredibly afraid of losing him. In convocation that Monday, however, I felt convicted and knew that I had to tell him, and I had to tell him that day.

So I did. I told him immediately after convocation ended and we had gotten to the dining hall. And let me tell you, I have never in my life felt worse than I did in that moment. It took me a good ten minutes to finally get the words out of my mouth. Every time I opened my mouth in an attempt to just get it over with, my throat would close and my body would tense up and I would be completely overwhelmed with fear. But eventually, the words came out. And after the words came out, the tears came. I was so extremely broken over what I had done. This wasn’t me. This wasn’t how I was supposed to act. And I hurt the person that I cared so much about.

He was extremely hurt. He didn’t show it at the time. He stood up, told me he was going to his dorm, and left. He didn’t talk to me until late that night. And when he did talk to me, he made it clear that although he wanted to be friends, he could not date me.

I had broken his trust.

How could he ever trust me again? I had cheated on him, with one of his best friends none the less. He simply couldn’t handle being in a relationship with somebody who had hurt him that deeply.

And I understood that.

I knew that a breakup was highly probable and I expected it to happen. But that didn’t make it hurt any less. I bawled. I couldn’t stop. I felt like I had lost the only thing I truly wanted. He put his coat on my shoulders and walked me back to my dorm in the pouring rain. Even after what I did to him, he made it very clear that he still cared for me deeply.

He is truly one of the most amazing guys I have ever met. And I ruined any chance I ever had of being with him for the rest of my life.

This entire situation led me to a very dark place. I was, and still am, extremely depressed. I’ve gone back to old sins that haven’t been in my life for years. I’ve been crying out to God, begging and pleading with Him to restore our relationship. I hated myself and everything about me.

But then, I realized something that truly changed everything.

God forgives me.

I have asked God for forgiveness more than a hundred times. But what I’ve failed to realize is that I was forgiven for these sins, and all the ones in my past, present, and future, the day that I accepted Christ as my Savior and asked him to take control of my life. It’s done. I’ve asked for forgiveness, I’ve repented, and it’s done. God has already forgotten that it even happened.

That, my friends is a humbling, beautiful, and difficult concept to grasp, but it’s so true.

Now, all that’s left in my journey is to receive forgiveness from the people I have hurt, and forgive myself. Forgiving myself is going to be the hardest part. Recently, a girl in my pray group commented that she struggled for a long time with believing that God saw her the way that she personally looked at herself. I think all of us do that. We think that God sees us as flawed, sinful, and ugly. In reality, he sees those who are saved as perfect, sinless, and beautiful. I think that if we took more time to truly look at ourselves through the eyes of Christ, we would be able to forgive what is in our past and move on towards a more fulfilling future.

This is what I am striving for, and I know that, with God’s help, I can reach this point.

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