Nobody ever thinks that what they do is wrong until afterward, and even then people tend to believe that what they do or what they believe is always right, regardless of whether or not it truly is. I know that this article has taken a long time for me to write, and I apologize for that. Not many people read this blog but those who do probably want to know what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling. So here it is.
I’m feeling confused. I feel betrayed and alone, but at the same time I feel extremely loved and surrounded by a cloud of people who actually care. Sometimes I can feel both of these emotions a thousand times in a single day, or even a single hour. My mind has become a giant entanglement of my messed up feelings and inconsistent emotions. I feel so incredibly confused and broken beyond compare. I still cut and I still feel no hope for the future. I feel like I am the only person who can fix myself, but I also feel like there is no way that I possibly can.
I am currently still cut out of the lives of the people who claimed to care about me. However, I recently got the opportunity to sit for even just a couple of minutes with one of my former friends and simply ask him why in the world they left me the way they did. His answer? It was the right thing.
It was the right thing.
This is something I cannot get out of my mind. For the past month and a half I have been so stuck in myself and how hurt I was and still am that I haven’t even stopped to think of the other options. How would I feel if I had been friends with them while my ex-boyfriend started dating another girl? How would I feel if I had to sit and pretend to be okay with the fact that the person I care so incredibly deeply for is now pursuing somebody else? I would be in a much worse state than I am now. I would put on a brave face for the day, make other people think my life was fine, and come back to my dorm at night and cry for hours. This life I am living now is a much better option. Sure, there are still times that I sit and cry about how the situation turned out, and I still feel depressed and there are times when I see no hope. But there are also the wonderful, precious times that I feel an overwhelming peace that God knows that He is doing. Our God is for us, not against us. Even when we feel like everything happening is the worst possible thing, maybe it is actually the right thing. I’m not saying that what they did to me was the right thing. It could have been the wrong thing. It could have been the right thing that was simply executed in the wrong way. I haven’t decided yet. All I know is that I am thankful for the life and the friends I have now. Whether or not I regain the friends I previously had is not up to me. God will bring into my life the people who need to be there. All I need to do is wait and trust Him as he slowly unfolds His perfect plans for my life.
In the end, everybody has times when even if they didn’t do the right thing, they believe they did, and their intentions behind it were pure. And I do feel pretty blessed to have people who at least intend to do the right thing, even if it isn’t.