Tonight, as I was walking back to my dorm after meeting an incredible friend for dinner, I was struck by a feeling that I had not felt in n extremely long time.
This feeling was of clear, indisputable happiness.
It has been such a long time since this has happened to me that I had to just take a moment to look at the sky, smile, and shout to God about how thankful I was. There was nobody around to hear me, thankfully, but I might have still shouted anyway. How amazing is our God? I cannot contain the happiness that I feel right now.
Is happiness the correct word?
A lot of people will argue with me on this, but I don’t believe that the feeling I have right now is exactly happiness. Sure, I was very happy to have been able to spend time with my friend and share our hearts with each other. But it went so much deeper than that. I would be feeling this way no matter what my circumstances are at this very moment in time, whether good or bad. Because I don’t believe that happiness is the only factor here. My happiness level has skyrocketed over the past few months due to healthy conversation, personal discipline, and a little bit of help from a medication. But these things are not what make me feel what I feel right now.
What I feel at this very moment is joy.
Joy cannot come from the friends that I have. Joy cannot come from me simply not letting myself give into my temptations. It cannot only come from a medication given to me by any human being. This joy that I feel, the very same one that completely overwhelms me and rocks me to my core, can only come from a right relationship with Christ and a peace that I am living to glorify Him. I have been running from God for a very long time. Over the past couple of months I have slowly started to live the way I know that I am called to and begun the process of once again becoming close to my Savior. I think I may have finally gotten to a point where I can say that I feel closer to God than I have in years. On my way back to my dorm I had a conversation with God that lasted around a half of an hour, which is probably more than every prayer I’ve had in the past six months combined. It felt so wonderful to talk to my Healer. I was real, and I was honest. I held nothing back. I made him promises and I asked him for the strength to follow through. I prayed for other people for the first time that I can even remember. I prayed expectantly. I prayed with absolute certainty that whatever I asked for would be given to me, as long as it is in what His will is for me life.
I feel happy. This I cannot deny. I feel happy with my friends, family, and teachers. I am happy about where I am in life and where I am going. But what I am grateful for, much more than my happiness, is the joy I feel from simply knowing my Creator and living for Him.