I’ve started more than ten blog posts, trying desperately to find words to describe what I’m feeling right now. When people ask me what is wrong, I find it hard to explain. For some reason, it has taken me until now to find exactly the words that I want to say to describe it. And here I go.
I feel like I have a broken bone. I know that’s an odd description, but just hang with me for a little bit. The are many reasons that what I’m feeling can be described in this way. The first thing I notice about broken bones is that it always happens suddenly and shockingly. You don’t wake up one day and prepare yourself for the pain that is coming later that afternoon. You don’t get yourself ready before it happens and anticipate it’s coming. It just happens. You’re running along and then all at once, in the blink of an eye, you’re falling. Before you can even comprehend what is happening, you feel an intense pain and you know that something is wrong. It’s terrifying and confusing and completely takes you off guard. The pain is intense and you aren’t sure what you’re supposed to do.
The second reason I would compare what I’m feeling to a broken bone is because of what happens when you finally understand what happened to you. You had suspicions of how bad it was, but now it is confirmed. A part of you is broken, in pain, and not able to be used for a while. You want the healing process to begin. You want to get past the pain and get on with your life, and you wish you could go back to the way that things were.
The third reason is how hard it is to be patient for the healing. Your bone is set, and you know that you will be okay eventually. But waiting and not knowing exactly how long it will take is horrible. You don’t know when you’ll be able to use that part of yourself again. Some days you wonder if you ever truly will be able to.
All of that is quite depressing, and it may seem like right now all I feel is pain. But I feel so much more than that as well. The pain came and it shocked me, but I had a group of people who have supported me every step of the way. I’ve had people cry with me. I’ve had people just sit and hold me. I’ve had people give me chocolate or cookies in an attempt to numb the pain. I’ve had people sit on the floor with me and remind me over and over to breathe when I’m crying so hard that my breath escapes me. I’ve had people pray for me and pray with me. I’ve had people who have made me laugh and reminded me that there is more to life than the pain I feel at this moment. I feel loved beyond belief and incredibly thankful for how God has blessed me. Much like a broken bone, a part of me is shattered and trying to cope and heal. But that does not render my whole self useless. I still have a job to do. I still have areas of my life that are thriving. I can see God clearly. I can clearly see His provision in my life. It amazes me the opportunities that He has chosen to give to me. I am so unworthy of the honor to be able to carry His name and tell people about His love. I am in awe of the fact that He chooses to use broken people. I can see a hope in my life. I can see that I will heal. I know that I am going to be okay. The hurt is still present, but I am holding on to the truth that there will be a time when the pain and hurting is gone. I trust Christ that He knows what is best for me, and that He can make things work for His glory, even if people have chosen not to do His will. I pray that I can continue to be used by Him. I pray that I will not let this broken part of me make me completely shut down. I am thankful that I can still praise Him, and I am praying that that is able to continue in my life. I am praying for other people, that God would reveal Himself to them and that they would allow Him to work in their lives the way that He wants to. But most of all, I am praising God for the hope of healing and the love He gives that never fails.