I’ve been a lonely person my entire life. I’m the type of girl that can be in a large group of people and still feel like I’m the only one there. It’s so easy for me to feel like nobody else sees me, and even if I feel like they do see me, I have nothing to offer them. I look at the world as a place where I’m not really needed or wanted. Like everybody around me would be okay if one day I wasn’t there. Nobody misses me. Nobody wonders what I’m up to or how I’m feeling. Everything inside of me wants to be the kind of girl that other people talk about like she’s one of a kind and beautiful. I’ve always dreamed of being the type of girl that somebody mentions and everyone in the room thinks fondly of. I want to have made a difference.
It shouldn’t be very much a shock, then, that depression and suicidal thoughts are things that have always plagued me. Of the two, depression is much more severe and active, but there has been countless times when I have wondered, “Is it even worth it?” There are more nights than you would think that leave me asking that question over and ever again, and convincing myself that nobody would care if I simply ceased to exist. It wouldn’t really change anybody’s hopes, dreams, or plans for the future if suddenly I was not in their lives. Everything would remain the same and the world would continue to turn. Those thoughts have pushed me to the brink, and had me holding bottles of pills in my hand with the caps off, ready to take the plunge and be with my Creator. When I think of all the pain that I feel and all of the pointless things I have experienced and how amazing heaven would be, it becomes so hard to think of a good reason not to. I know I’m not the only person who has felt this way. People feel this way all the time. Every single time something bad happens, which for some of us is quite often, it sends us into a whole new battle of why we even still try. I wonder why I try so hard for other people when they don’t try for me. Why I give so much to make other people feel happy and beautiful and loved, and all I receive in return is a halfhearted smile and permission to go home alone and feel this way with nobody to comfort me. It’s an endless cycle of why’s and asking when is this feeling going to finally be over.
Yet, God never ceases to give me the only reason to still try, and the only reason I can think of to press forward:
He. Is. Worth. It. All.
I don’t have answers. I can’t sit here and tell you why things happen the way that they do. I can’t explain why some people are allotted more happiness. I can’t tell you why some of us have to live with this nagging voice telling us how useless we are and why we don’t matter. I don’t know why some people hurt more than others and feel that hurt so much more deeply. I don’t know why no matter how much medication we take or how many therapy sessions we go to, it won’t go away. I don’t know why God allows Satan to hit us so hard when we already have barely enough strength to get out of bed in the morning. I don’t know. I’ve been asking those questions my entire life. But God is worth all of those feelings. None of the answers to those questions really matter at all. It doesn’t matter why we hurt. It doesn’t matter why God allows these things. What matters its that God STILL chooses to use the unloved and the unloveable, and he still chooses to use you and I every single day, as long as we are allowing him to. He uses my pain. He uses my hurting heart and my loneliness. He uses the fact that I have nobody else to show me that he is still strong and faithful to me.
What I don’t want, more than anything, is people assuming that I posted this to feel pity or to make people care. I didn’t. I don’t need people to feel sorry for me. I don’t need people to change things because in all honesty, it probably isn’t anybody’s fault. Some people feel this way with no explanation behind it. It’s just the way our brain is wired and the way we feel on a normal basis. The reason I’m posting this is because I know that God has used my pain for his work, and I want other people to be able to see the hope. I want other people who feel this way to be able to read this post and see that if God can still love and use me, the girl who has deemed herself unloveable and unusable, then he can use anybody. And because we are still loved endlessly and used for such great things, then life really is worth living through the pain.