Guys, this school year has been one for the books. I have discovered and experienced so many emotions, and they continue to fill me as I write these words. I have laughed. I have cried. I have been undoubtedly and immensely happy, and I have felt some of the lowest lows of my entire life. I have stayed up into the wee hours of the morning talking about how great our God is, and I have gone to bed before dinner time, telling myself that life was pointless and that God has left us here wandering on our own. I have been in love to my very core, and I have felt more hatred than any one person would in their entire lifetime. I have had good friends that brought me closer to Christ, and I have had friends that took me far, far away from him, all the while telling me that I was going the godly direction. I have felt all of these things multiple times, and I have learned more from them than you could possibly know.
When I started this school year, I had one goal and one goal alone: I wanted to be done with depression. I was tired of taking drugs to fix me. I was tired of masking my pain with other people or other addictions. And I will be the first to admit that I did a terrible job last semester. But THIS semester, things finally changed. I got the help I needed. I poured myself into my writing and my music. I opened up myself to new friend groups and new experiences that were morally right and pure. I let people in to see what I used to be and I continued to become the woman I am now. I grew up. And while I know I am still a child and I have a very, very long way to go, I can see how far God has brought me and I am more thankful than I can express for the love that he shows me in the midst of both my triumphs and my failures.
The thing that has kept me in line with God the most this semester are the people he has allowed me to love him alongside of. You have all heard me talk about my Tunnel Worship family, and I am tearing up as I write this and know that I will not be with them for a very, very long time. I have become friends with the people that I have admired from afar since the very beginning of freshman year. I have met new people in the music program and I have been able to see what God does in other peoples lives that you could never see from the outside. I have cried with people who were desperate for God to show them he was still there. I have rejoiced with people when they made strides towards healthy relationships and a healthy mind. I could truly talk for hours about what everybody has said and done for me and how they have pushed me towards Christ, but I won’t. I want to write paragraph after paragraph thanking you all for loving me the way you have, but I can’t. So I’m going to end this post the only way I can and the way that will probably annoy a lot of people: song lyrics.
“I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return. Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true. But I know I’m who I am today because I knew you.
Like a comet pulled from orbit as it passes a sun, and like a stream that meets a boulder halfway through the woods. Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better? But, because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime. So, let me say before we part: so much of me is made of what I learned from you. You’ll be with me, like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend.”
–For Good (Wicked)
“There’s been a change in me. A kind of moving on. Though what I used to be, I still depend upon. For now I realize that good can come from bad. That may not make me wise, but oh, it makes me glad.
And I never thought I’d leave behind my childhood dreams, but I don’t mind. For now I love the world I see. No change of heart, a change in me.
For in my dark despair, I slowly understood that my perfect world out there had disappeared for good. And in it’s place I feel a truer life begin. And it’s so good and real, it must come from within.
And I never thought I’d leave behind my childhood dreams, but I don’t mind. I’m where and who I want to be. No change of heart, a change in me.”
–A Change In Me (Beauty and the Beast)
“This bond between us can’t be broken. I will be here, don’t you cry.
Cause you’ll be in my heart. Yes, you’ll be in my heart. From this day on, now and forevermore. You’ll be in my heart, no matter what they say. You’ll be here in my heart always.
When destiny calls you, you must be strong. I may not be with you, but you’ve got to hold on. They’ll see in time, I know. We’ll show them together cause you’ll be in my heart.
Just look over your shoulder, I’ll be there always.”
–You’ll Be In My Heart (Tarzan)