Hello, old friend.
It hurts even referring to you as that. It feels so strange to remember you in that way. I know you’ll likely never read this, and that’s okay. I’m not really writing it for you. I’m writing this for me. I’m writing this for the sake of putting you and this whole situation behind me for good.
I want to start by letting you know that I’m not angry anymore. I don’t think you’re a terrible person anymore. I did for a very long time, but then I came to the realization that all of us are sinners. All of us are deserving of hell. And while looks can sometimes be deceiving, I believe from what I have observed that you are a believer in Jesus. Whether that flows into a current intimate relationship with Him or not, I know that you are forgiven and covered by the blood of salvation just like I am. So no. Anger is no longer my motivation, and I praise God daily that He has taken that dark place in my heart and replaced it with His love.
So now that we’ve established that this is not written from a place of anger, I want to tell you why what happened was such a big deal. I’ll start with the fact that you were such a good friend to me. Yes, we made a lot of stupid mistakes in our friendship, but I cared about you all the same. And I truly do believe that you cared about me as well. You helped me through some rough patches. You encouraged me when I absolutely needed it most. You spent time with me and helped me get past one of the greatest hurdles of my college career. I valued our relationship. I was excited to grow our friendship and see where the Lord would take you. That’s what made this whole thing so much more difficult. That same sense of security that you helped grow in me was the very thing that you took away. I learned how to trust men again, only for you to turn around and hurt me more than any man ever had. I said I didn’t want what was happening, but you decided on your own what was best for me. My opinion meant nothing, and the fact that it was my own body was disregarded. The selfishness of your flesh took over and you chose to experience your own excitement rather than protect the life that your own God holds sacred. That’s why what happened that night hurt me so deeply. You confused the very essence of what I believed in. If we served the same God and you disregarded my protests so easily, then what kind of God did I serve?
I praise God every single day that He broke through those walls that you built around me. He revealed truth to me, and eliminated those lies that I had no worth to anybody. You made me feel anything but beautiful, but He still showed me that I truly was.
I want you to know that I pray for you. I pray for God to reveal Himself to you. I pray that you would go past this and grow in Him and still receive the blessings that He has for you. Because He does have so many. It would be foolish of me to not recognize how loved you are. It would be hypocritical for me to try and claim that the God who loves all sinners could somehow not love you just as much. He wants you to follow Him. He wants to give you the absolute best. He asks for your obedience and gives you 7x more than what you give to Him in return. It’s beautiful, and I truly want you to experience that.
The last thing, and the entire reason I am writing this, is that I forgive you. I really do. It’s been a fight, and healing has not come easily. But I have healed. The Lord has worked a miracle in me and what should have sidelined me for life has turned into a thing of the past and something I never have to live in again. I forgive you. I love you, because God loves you. I stopped searching for justice, because I trust God for that. I can’t sit and dwell on what I want in vengeance for the rest of my life. I have to trust Him to be good and perfect. I have to move on in obedience.
So with that, I continue to refer to you as an old friend. Because that’s what I choose to see you as from now on. A distant friend. One who made a mistake, but one who is so fully and completely loved by the same Father that I am.
Goodbye, old friend. May the Lord bless you, keep you, and cause His face to shine upon you.