The more I delve into the character of God and push forward in intimacy, I start to discover things from my past (and present) that He wants to completely break down and rebuild from the ground up. So many mindsets and patterns and actions that seemed at the time to be not only acceptable but His will are now being shown as second-rate. What I believed was God’s best was really just the “eh” kind of experiences and thoughts, when He had so much more for me the entire time
I went through a breakup about 3 years ago that left me in complete shambles. There was a lot more attached to it, like anxiety and depression, that no longer plague me like they did so heavily at the time. But I’m finding that even small patterns of thought (or, rather, lies from the enemy that I allowed to run rampant in my head) that used to be so logical are now showing themselves years later. It’s crazy how we have no idea what’s inside of us until a situation hits and the ugly wickedness manifests itself to the outside world. All of the feelings of worthlessness and being unloved and lacking in purpose can so easily come back to the fore-front of our minds with only a single word or sideways glance from another person. We believe we are moved past it and healed, but in reality we have buried things under layers and layers of band aids until we cannot no longer see it. If can’t see it, then it must be healed!
The problem is, God wants to heal us from the inside out. He doesn’t care what the exterior shows when all the stars have aligned and things are going well. He cares about our innermost being, the parts that we can easily hide but are on complete display for Him. To use us the way that He WANTS to use us and to gift us with the joy that comes from His exciting and adventurous purpose for us, He needs those deep pits to have a light shown on them. He needs to clean house, and give us a purity that encompasses all of us.
This is not a post about that past relationship. In fact, these thoughts and lies go much further back than that. Scripture makes it ABUNDANTLY clear that Satan is out to steal, to kill, and to destroy. He didn’t start that when I was 18 years old. He started that when I was conceived. When there were baby showers and putting together the nursery and plans for how my parents would raise me, Satan was already strategizing the ways that he could kill me. Take me out. Or at the very least, make me completely ineffective. These familiar feelings that we experience, no matter what they may be, have been the plot from the very beginning.
How can I preach to someone how worthy they are if I can’t remember my own worth? How can I be excited for what God wants to do in others if I can’t see what God wants to do in me? How can I rebuke bitterness in my brother or sister yet harbor bitterness for myself?
This is common knowledge. We all know this in some way or another. But how do we actually live it out? It’s quite the simple answer, yet harder than almost anything I have ever done.
To be changed into a new creation, I cannot simply sit and wait for God to do it. He wants me to be an active participant. I have the option of burying my head in the sand or coming before Him and asking Him to show me. I can put aside what I think I know, and let Him do the cleaning as He sees fit. I’ve noticed recently that His idea of best looks nothing like what my idea of it is. But you know what? There is fruit that shows as good. There is proof to see that when there is a following in obedience to what He says, there WILL be change and breakthrough. I have seen more breakthrough in my life in the past three days than I have in a whole year, and it is simply from finally being willing to be vulnerable with the One who already knew the parts of me that I didn’t.
Healing is a process. Some days hurt. And others can hurt even worse. But the end goal is the most important: I can now be used for His Kingdom better than I could yesterday. And that is something that put a genuine and unwavering smile on my face in the middle of battle.